My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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