Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
