I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
