just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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