overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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