Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
