I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
