i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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