don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
