Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
