Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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