Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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