Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
