Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
