I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
