Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
