She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
