can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
