i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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