1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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