Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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