They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
