3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
