bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
