Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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