I accidentally had phone sex last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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