You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
