Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
