I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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