I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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