I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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