My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
