gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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