Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
