This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
