In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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