Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
