so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
