dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
