Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just blew my weed a kiss
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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