K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
