Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
