you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
