got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
