don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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