I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
