i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
