Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
