If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
