What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
